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Helping You Through The Journey of Life
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Happiness Transitions
Have you ever wondered why change is so hard? Even those changes you knew were coming; leaving home, graduating from college, adulting, getting a new job, getting married, having a baby, buying your first home, moving to a new city…
Change doesn’t happen in a linear way. A renowned psychologist, James Prochaska, created a model of behavioral change, the Transtheoretical Model of Behavior, in which he identified five stages. First stage, pre-contemplation where we become aware of a need for change, but we don’t yet have any conscious intention to change. Second stage, contemplation we acknowledge the need or want for change this is where you want to change but are not ready. Third stage, preparation, at this stage, we make the decision to follow through with change. Fourth stage, the action stage, plans are being put into action, and persistent action is in motion. Some form of behavioral change has occurred. This stage normally takes about six months. It is important to acknowledge and celebrate the progress and changes. Fifth stage, the maintenance stage is about sustaining the change and making it last in the long-term.
We tend to look at change as one big event, “the change” in our lives. Change does not work like that, change is gradual and slow. Change isn’t free, it comes at a cost. That price is work, discomfort, uncertainty, and judgement. For some people it just isn’t worth the price.
Humans are creatures of habit. We find comfort in routines and the familiar, and this makes adjusting to new situations, even positive ones, a process. Several factors contribute to the difficulty of life transitions: 1) Loss of control: the loss of control can be disorienting and anxiety-inducing. 2) Uncertainty: Not knowing what the future holds can create stress and worry. 3) Grief and loss: Even positive life transitions can involve a sense of loss. Leaving the old for the new can be bittersweet. 4) Fear of the unknown: Transitioning into a new phase of life means stepping into unfamiliar territory
Career Transition
Your transition may be taking you to bigger and better things, or it may be the result of a forced decision such as downsizing. Your transition may be yourthat long anticipated retirement. Changing jobs is not always a move that you had planned or anticipated, and this can be very upsetting. Even if it is planned, the change can still be an extremely emotional time, filled with uncertainty.
In his important work on transitions, William Bridges developed his model of transitions. He found that people tend to experience transitions along similar waves.
1) The Ending:there is a shift alerting us to the closing of a cycle or a period in life. The seeds of the new beginning are present along with a third space –the neutral zone—a liminal place of unbecoming.
2) The Neutral Zone: as we move through the stages of letting go, of grief, of understanding ourselves in this new way, the liminal space of the neutral zone grows and becomes more consuming. We feel disoriented and uncertain.
3) The New Beginning: it takes shape and builds momentum. We begin to have dialogue with our new situation while at the same time we stay in contact with the neutral zone and process of metabolizing the ending. The Bridges’ model is helpful for understanding transitions in two significant ways. First, knowing that there is a neutral zone and that it is a place of unbecoming, a place of disorientation, where we let go of who we were and accept who we are becoming. And second, discovering that all three stages occur simultaneously over time will allow for compassion and patience when we don’t have it all figured out. Don’t worry about controlling the experience, give yourself over to the process of transition itself.
Identity Coaching
Our identity is who you define yourself to be. It is how you experience yourself to be. Our identity is formed by a collection of labels that we place on ourselves. This collection is an assortment of both positive and negative labels. Our inner dialogue also determines our self-image or “identity”.
We form our views of life--past, present, and future-- by running everything through what we believe and what we remember. Our beliefs and our memories are not always accurate, these inaccuracies are called thought distortions. Thought distortions are filters through which we have perceived an event, theyit may be trauma, youth, emotions, or lack of information. We could call these thought distortions our Story Filter. The inner dialogue is the story or script we live by and perceive reality through. The stories we tell ourselves are sometimes just assumptions that aren’t even true. A counselor or life coach can help their clients correct and re-write their stories, if needed. The client may not have control on how their stories begin, but they can influence and determine how their stories continue and end.
Loss of Person/Loss of Function, Transitions of Grief
Are you struggling with the death of a family member or a close friend? Are you experiencing the isolation and grief of infertility? Have you faced the loss of a dream or a goal? Have you or a loved one received a diagnosis that is life changing? Has an injury or disability caused a significant change in your ability to perform daily living?
Grief is the response to loss. While often associated with the death of a loved one, it can follow any event that disrupts our sense of normalcy or self, including losing meaningful connections. Additionally, grief can arise from the loss of function, such as physical abilities or cognitive capacities, which can profoundly affect one's identity and daily life.
In 1969, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross published her book On Death and Dying. In it she describes the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Many people have reduced these steps to a linear set of rules (They were never meant to be rules and they were never intended to be experienced in a linear fashion.)
The American Psychological Association (APA) defines grief as lasting from six months to two years. Symptoms gradually improve as time passes.
It’s important to remember that grief doesn’t fit into neat boxes or timelines. Everyone’s grief and grieving timelines are different. Also, there’s never a time when you’re “done” with grief. Your connection with a loved one who’s passed, infertility, an abandoned dream, etc., becomes integrated into your ongoing life story. It’s forever a part of who you are.
Still, if you’re having trouble coping with loss, especially if it’s interfering with your ability to live your life, reach out to a grief counselor or life coach.Are you struggling with the death of a family member or a close friend? Are you experiencing the isolation and grief of infertility? Have you faced the loss of a dream or a goal? Have you or a loved one received a diagnosis that is life changing? Has an injury or disability caused a significant change in your ability to perform daily living? Grief is the response to loss. While often associated with the death of a loved one, it can follow any event that disrupts our sense of normalcy or self, including losing meaningful connections. Additionally, grief can arise from the loss of function, such as physical abilities or cognitive capacities, which can profoundly affect one's identity and daily life.
Empty Nest
If you are a parent, you have been through many transitions with your children. The first day of kindergarten, going from grade school to middle school, the first dance, drivers permits and driver’s license but having your child graduate from high school and leave home for college is a milestone like no other milestone. The feeling is different with each child. Packing the oldest up and sending them off into the big, wide world feels impossible. Up to this point they have had curfews and followed house rules. When you drive away, they are on their own. You adjust. You have the other kid(s) to keep track of, errands to run, meals to make. Each time a child leaves the nest it has its own point of pain, but when the youngest leaves the nest the situation gets real.
Every parent’s experience is unique when their child leaves home. Much of the adjustment depends on the quality of our relationship with ourselves and our partner throughout the parenting years. For some the experience is predominantly positive while others struggle with the downside of empty nest.
Some empty nest experiences create such emotional turmoil and sadness for parents that they should be on the lookout for, what is called empty nest syndrome. This is not a clinical diagnosis, however the impact of children leaving home can trigger intense mental, emotional, and relational distress. As with any transitional stage, the empty nest phase can be a tremendous opportunity for personal and spiritual growth. It can be a wonderful time to reignite old passions or to find new passions. It can be a time to reinvest in your relationship with your spouse and to develop hobbies together.
If the transition is a struggle, you are not alone. Don’t be ashamed to grieve. It is normal to have feelings of regret. There is that sense that time went too fast and now it’s too late to have a meaningful impact on your child. Your role as a parent never ends. Find your “bliss”. You have much to offer, this is the time to find out where you are going to thrive in the next season.
Think of your life as a book. This is not the end; it is the end of a chapter. Be excited, have a growth mindset. Find support before you are suffering, either from a therapist or a life coach who can help you set goals, find purpose and meaning.