Transitions: What Are They And How Do We Navigate Them

“All humans change. Development is our life, and labor is the most painful time. Without change, there’s no growth.”

—Mimi Kennedy

What is the difference between change and transition? Change is an external event or situation, while transition is the internal psychological process of adapting to and coming to terms with that change.

Overview

Change is one constant we can count on in life. Change can be the exciting prospect of graduating from college, the anticipated arrival of a new baby, the jolting news of getting laid off, or the heartache of a relationship ending. Human beings are creatures of habit. Even when the change is planned for, anticipated, or celebrated, change is a disruption. Disruptions to our routines and carefully choreographed lives leave us feeling overwhelmed, disoriented, and anxious. How you cope can have a lasting impact on your emotional well-being, your ability to adjust to your new circumstances, and to move forward into a positive future.

Understanding the process of personal transition is key. Transition is the psychological and emotional journey that you go through when you experience change. Once you know and understand the different stages of this journey and what each stage entails, you will be better able to manage your change process.

Transitions

Faced with a new reality, people naturally look for ways to orient themselves around change and understand what it means. The awareness that we are entering a time of transition is enough for the process to begin. It is common to spend time reevaluating our values and beliefs to remind ourselves of who we are and who we want to be in the world. Transitions are an opportunity to leave behind parts of ourselves we have outgrown or to leave situations that no longer represent the person we have become.

William Bridges is one of the most widely respected autors on the subject of transitions, he defines transitions as: “the process of letting go of the way things used to be and taking hold of the way they subsequently become.” While that may sound simple enough, in reality, the process can be challenging. We can struggle with what is called “identity paralysis”- a feeling of being stuck in an old version of yourself when, in fact, timing and circumstances dictate that you move on.

Letting go is hard. Our identity doesn’t allow us to just continue to layer a new identity onto our existing identity. We must go through an undoing. It is necessary to tear down who we used to be to become the person we are becoming. I owned a small business for 25 years. I was ready to sell the business and move into a new phase of life. I anticipated the change to be freeing and full of adventure. I did not anticipate the shifting ground beneath my feet. I was caught unprepared for how I had constructed my identity around being my own boss and isolated myself from forming meaningful relationships with other managers and leaders. I had to find a whole new sense of self and a whole new way of being confident in the world.

Three Stages of Transition

Let us look at the three stages of transition a little more closely.

An Ending

Endings represent a symbolic death. We must let go of the person we were to create space for the person we are becoming. If this sounds scary, it can be, but it can also be liberating. Shedding the old can be uncomfortable. It stretches us, and we grow and emerge as we take advantage of what transitions offer toward our personal and professional transformation.

The Bridges’ research identifies five key phases of endings:

  1. Disengagement: the systems in place to support our identity have ceased. Things like being part of college life, moving to a new town away from our supports, changing jobs, and having new responsibilities.

 

  1. Dismantling: Disconnecting from these systems allows us to unpack our previous identity. The dismantling process is necessary for individuals to feel a sense of individuality rather than being part of a collective group.

 

  1. Disidentification: As we dismantle and disengage, we will begin to stop defining ourselves through the roles, titles, and responsibilities we used to have. If we move through the process correctly, we will start losing a sense of who we are.

 

  1. Disenchantment: We begin to wrestle with our assumptions about reality and accept our role in creating the specific version we have been inhabiting. There is a disconcerting feeling that there is more going on beneath the surface than we had been willing to admit.

 

  1. Disorientation: We are unsure of the direction forward or backward. This is the doorway to the neutral zone.

 

Endings can trigger past pain. This can be particularly true if we have done a respectable job of compartmentalizing and suppressing past trauma. Do not be surprised if you experience this. It is a common experience. You are not alone. Friends, family, therapists, a pastor, or a coach can provide support during this time.

The Neutral Zone

The neutral zone is a liminal space, an emptiness between ending and beginning. Liminal spaces are transitional areas we pass through, existing between two places. The liminal space provides a pause between the old identity and a new one. These spaces often evoke unease because they are not meant for staying but rather for passing through. Liminal spaces are transitional or intermediate places or states, like waiting rooms, hallways, elevators, train stations, airports, or the in-between period of adolescence. Liminal spaces are characterized by being neither fully one thing nor another. The word liminal comes from the Latin word ‘limen,’ which means threshold.

Is it any wonder that neutral zones make us feel vulnerable and aimless mentally? But if we can allow ourselves to, we can tap into new levels of consciousness. We can see the world differently and connect to a deeper sense of purpose. The neutral zone is necessary to prune away old identities and prepare the ground for new growth.

The New Beginning

The problem with models is the illusion of simplicity. We experience change, and we transition in an almost ceaseless cycle. We learn about change as children through the seasons: winter, spring, summer, and fall. We barely notice the change from grade to grade during our formative years. We experience changes that cause momentary angst. We feel the disconcerting emotional transition process, but when the situation irons itself out, we barely notice and move on. The problem arises when we experience a change in our lives that causes us to question our identity. Suddenly, that seamless cycle of ending, neutral zone, and a new beginning isn’t nearly seamless. The ending feels scary, uncertain, unwelcome, unfair, you feel undone, how do you move on from here?

The neutral zone is anything but neutral. Some days, you question whether you are sane. The liminal space is brutal. It makes you question the past, the decisions you made, the relationships you had, and the beliefs you held. It causes you to look into the future. Where am I going? Who am I becoming?

The beginning takes bravery, which you do not know if you possess. It is discovering. And it is okay to make a mistake because you are still ending and still becoming. This beginning might be your first in a series of beginnings. Be gentle with yourself. You are a warrior.

A Transition Checklist

  1. Take your time. The outer circumstances of our lives can change in an instant. It does not mean that your commitments, either to the old situation or the new situation you have not yet invested in, will be temporary. You cannot rush the inner process under which this condition will work.
  2. Build your support system. Seek the support of family and friends. If you feel overwhelmed, talk to your pastor, a counselor, or a coach.
  3. Do not act for the sake of action. Resist the temptation to move out of a desire to do something-anything!
  4. Recognize why you are feeling uncomfortable. Humans do not like to be in a state of disequilibrium; it is undesirable, but that does not make it bad. Work through the discomfort. Find one thing you can control to help you feel less anxious.
  5. Keep goals S.M.A.R.T. small, manageable, achievable, relevant, and time-sensitive.
  6. Care for yourself in small ways. Get enough sleep. Eat balanced meals. Make sure you are getting exercise. Go walks. Try meditation or mindfulness techniques. Get out in nature.
  7. Acknowledge what you are leaving behind. Let go of the past to make room for the future.

 

 

An Introduction to Values

An Introduction to Values

“Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny.” ~Mahatma Gandhi~

What Are Values?

Values are the fundamental beliefs that govern our lives. They inspire how we act and speak, guide our decisions about everything from career to personal growth, and embody the person we become. They influence how we treat others and interact with the world. Values are the core of who we are.

There are two types of values: personal values and cultural values. Personal values are our beliefs about right and wrong. They belong to us personally and shape how we look at the world. Cultural values are norms accepted by the societies in which we grow up. These values vary by place and context, but their effects on our lives can be as powerful as personal values.

How our values are defined depends on our feelings and sentiments about ourselves and the world around us. Personal values can be positive and lead to self-esteem and fulfillment. They can also be damaging and based on limiting beliefs. These values can cause problems in relationships and our overall interactions with the broader world.

 Examples of Cultural Values 

          • Collaboration

          • Integrity

          • Agility

          • Diversity

          • Customer Orientation

          • Execution

          • Innovation

          • Performance

          • Respect

Examples of Personal Values

          • Integrity

          • Empathy

          • Resilience

          • Authenticity

          • Gratitude

          • Open-mindedness

          • Responsibility

          • Compassion

          • Fairness

          • Lifelong learning

Formation and Reinforcement of Values:

Values come from deliberate actions. Think of a small child saying, “I can do it!” The child does not just want the result; they want to prove that they can achieve it through their own effort.

Efficacy is a profound rational value understood through self-awareness. Understanding efficacy helps a child realize it will meet any future needs. After the child grasps the benefit of his efficacy, he will have emotions about those feelings.

We feel pride when we succeed through our efforts and see the result. Once we have enough experience to predict success, we build confidence. These two pleasurable emotions reward your growing capacity to develop values in the world. Having efficacy determines whether you are a pawn of external forces or the captain of your fate.

Values are established and reinforced through daily actions. When you have a desired objective, you maintain it as a goal, take action to attain it in the present, and frequently succeed in achieving it. The value is set. Three mechanisms form and reinforce the value.

  1. A Value-Oriented Reason: If you choose your purpose because it is a means of achieving some valuable end, you establish the named purpose as valuable and reinforce the value of the longer-range end.

  2. Self-Generated Action: Acting to achieve the purpose reinforces its value by linking it with self-generated action.

  3. Observed Success: The pleasure you get from your efficacy increases the pleasure you get from gaining the value, reinforcing it as a value.

By the time you reach adulthood, you have formed thousands of values through purposeful action. They are all interrelated in one way or another.

How Values Become Distorted or Weakened:

Values form when we are successful. What happens when the family we are born into does not set us up for success? What happens when we fail? Won’t those difficult circumstances and those painful feelings undermine the value-forming process? Instead of feeling pride and confidence, there will be feelings of frustration and/or guilt that can undermine the value-forming process and sap motivation. The child may associate unpleasant feelings with the process and develop an aversion (i.e., conflict) for the same object. This ambivalence toward your values is the source of a vast array of motivational problems.

Failure is a reality we will face in life. We will make mistakes. We will experience setbacks. We must learn to manage these inevitable life lessons with resilience and develop coping strategies to resolve such conflicts.

Another option open to us is not to act. Action is a choice. You can make the decision not to gain a value. In practice, you are choosing one value over another, or can you choose to strengthen one value over another? You decide to date one person over another. You choose to go to this college over that college—absent other factors when you choose one value over another. Strengthening the chosen value weakens the rejected value.

Two other key cases must be considered. First, not all purposeful action is aimed at achieving a value. Sometimes, an action is chosen to avoid a threat, not to gain a value. When you decide to avoid a threat instead of gaining value, the threat becomes your focus. When avoiding threats becomes your focus, the threat takes on a larger significance in your mind and can become an object of permanent fear comparable to a value. We might think of this as an anti-value. Anti-values create massive conflict in significant areas of your life and can paralyze you.

Second, not all actions are purposeful. You initiate purposeful actions, which are deliberate. If you do not make the effort, you are reacting unthinkingly to the events around you without identifying values or keeping any defined purpose in mind.

The world is constantly changing around you. You must monitor your routines so that they stay goal-directed. Make small adjustments to ensure that your habits stay pointed toward your values. Without vigilance, you can easily slip into default mode and onto the easier path—the path of less resistance, where you can avoid anything new or scary. This path is the path our emotions will choose if given the lead because it feels good.

Relying on feelings can create a gap between your conscious values and those programmed in your subconscious.

Threat-based emotions tend to be more intense than value-based ones because they alert individuals to emergencies. That means that over time, threat-based motivation comes to dominate your life.

Your Value Hierarchy:

Values are the fundamental cause of all emotions. The emotional system highlights value-related issues. Emotions can be thought of as alerts to opportunities to gain a value and/or threats to a value that may warrant attention.

You have thousands of values. What factors contribute to the activation of a specific emotion? To understand this, you must understand that values exist in a structure. They are related to one another. This structure is a value hierarchy. Your value hierarchy is stable at a given time. Your value hierarchy evolves over time because of your experiences and every choice you have made. You have formed values and connections between the values, which may be loose or systematic, accidental, or intentional.

When you understand this, you can see that every emotion you have is based on a history of past experiences and choices. Your emotional makeup reflects an organizational pattern. This knowledge is powerful. You have a choice in the programming of future motivation.

In Conclusion:

We begin to form values as infants—our very first values form by meeting basic biological needs. The baby is hungry; the mother holds the bottle to his mouth, triggering a sucking reflex. The bottle becomes associated in the baby’s mind with meeting a need and the experience of pleasure. Eventually, a hungry baby will recognize and desire a bottle when someone is holding it.

The bottle has become a psychological value. The baby desires the bottle because it has satisfied his hunger in the past. If he is hungry, getting the bottle will bring him a feeling of satisfaction even before he starts to drink. Losing the bottle will bring dissatisfaction.

These basic forms of satisfaction and dissatisfaction have names. We call them emotions. Joy is the feeling you have when you gain a value. Grief is what you feel when you lose one. Desire is what you feel when you see a value; your action can help you achieve it.

The process of forming our value system happens without us giving it any thought. We become who we are through our experiences and by being part of the culture we live in. Our values become part of what makes us who we are through the family we are raised in, the neighborhood we live in, the schools we attend, the faith we practice, the color of our skin, our gender, who we love, and who we emulate.

If you are like me, you never thought about your values. The idea of what you believe or why you believe it never reached the top of your list of important things to explore.

Most people don’t think about their values until life hands them a circumstance that makes them slow down or STOP and become introspective. Our values are the fundamental component of our psychological makeup and our identity.

I had a seismic event after a graduation party for my cousin’s daughter. I had felt warning tremors before then but was not ready to think about what they might mean. Throughout my childhood and into adulthood, my maternal aunts, uncles, and cousins had been an integral part of my identity. We were a close bunch who spent every Sunday and holiday together at my grandparents’ house. Over time, things changed; my grandparents passed away, my mom passed, and our families increased in number as we all married and had children. There were those in the family who stayed close, and I longed to be part of that group. When I attended family functions, I found myself increasingly on the outside looking in. I left those occasions feeling hurt and confused.

During the graduation party, not only did I feel distant from the people who had been so important to me all my life, I felt like a stranger. Earlier, I mentioned that I had felt the warning signs. I can see I have changed. The experience was disorienting and upsetting for me. I did not understand that my value hierarchy had evolved. It felt like something had happened to me. I mistakenly believed my extended family had rejected me. Having gained an understanding of how values form and can change based on experiences and our choices, I have realized that my values have changed and evolved, as have the values of my family members. Knowing how values form and how they change has made me feel powerful. I do not feel like a victim, nor do I have to hold the people whom I had loved in contempt. I can be objective. Life is a process of change and growth.